Working Through Conflict

Image via John Branch

It’s a sad fact that most of us are never taught explicitly how to deal with conflict and instead are only educated on the topic in ways that are implicit and wildly confusing. Stereotypically this education is received through observation of those closest to us. There are no exact words used to label or categorize the yelling and screaming, the little obscenities that get hurled across the room which no longer seem even half as funny as they used to. No words used to describe why your mother, father, sibling ran away or barricaded themselves behind a locked door, leaving you to wonder in silence about their forceful absence.

There is rarely an explanation for why these things happen, not during or after. They just do, apparently. At least to the mind of anyone witnessing these conflicts play out.

And bearing witness is typically how a person develops their template for dealing with conflict. Temperament and natural disposition play a role, but observation and learned application probably have a greater effect on an individual. I’ve learned that the differences between unhealthy styles of conflict resolution and their methods of application are artificial. Whether you barricade the door or bust through it is irrelevant. It produces the same result and essentially amounts to the same thing..

What Is Conflict?

Conflict is what occurs between individuals and groups whenever there is a recognized difference and sufficient emotional investment. Sports is an easy way to explain it because sports are one of the few and one of the most public forums where conflict can be acknowledged and accepted.

Conflicts exist between teams that are competing against one another, and it also exists between members of the same team who are often competing against each other for certain accolades. In both instances, what is at the core of these conflicts are perceived differences (my team vs your team, my desire for more playing time vs your desire for more playing time, etc.) tied to emotional investments.

Sports are designed to produce these conflicts but they are also designed to inevitably resolve them. Charles Barkely provided a good example of this. During his playing days he truly believed he was the best basketball player in the world. This belief was both the fuel and the byproduct of his success, as is the case with most professional athletes. In 1993, Charles Barkely found himself in disagreement about this with Michael Jordan, who believed in his own right that he was the best. Because their teams were competed against each other during the regular season and eventually for the NBA championship, they would have the opportunity to resolve the conflict. Not by hiding or over-reacting to it, not even through the use of words. The act of competition ensured their engagement, which is all that was needed to address it.

In his retelling of what happened, Barkley reports that as the competition began he told his daughter “Ain’t nobody in the world better than your dad at basketball.” But as it played out he went back to his daughter and said “Christina, I ain’t never said this before, I think there’s somebody better at basketball than me.” Obviously this was a humbling moment, but it also represented the resolution of that particular conflict that existed between Barkley and Jordan.

Consequences

When a person walks away from conflict and doesn’t see it through to the end, they forfeit the opportunity to influence how that conflict is resolved. They lose the ability to impact the narrative. If I’m at odds with someone and they choose not to engage with me, then to a certain extent, the truth about our issue, about them, and about me, becomes whatever I believe it to be. I might be cautious or careless about the assumptions I make and conclusions I come to. I might rely on the advice of friends to help me, but something is still missing. The inability to engage directly with the person I am in conflict with creates a psychological black box. The stories we use to cover up this void are frequently unhelpful in resolving our conflicts.

If someone is able to stay connected to the conflict and work through it, there is an opportunity to either advance or complete the business of the relationship, which in essence is what all conflicts are about, our relationships with others and with ourselves. Advancing the relationship implies learning something new about self and other and incorporating this new information into the framework of the relationship. This enlarges the relationship by increasing the capacities of the individuals involved in it, especially the capacity for understanding. Similarly, completing the business of the relationship implies acknowledging the limits of what it can provide and either accepting the relationship as it is or ending it, with full recognition of its limits, but also with less bitterness and frustration.

Either outcome is fine. What matters is the willingness to engage in the process that allows you to arrive at an outcome at all. This process can often lead to surprises. Relationships thought to be beyond repair are mended, and some that seem to be working just fine end abruptly. Conflict is an additive. While engaged in it, an individual is not only learning but also incorporating new things into themselves. This is how people become more patient, empathetic, and curious.

One of my favorite examples of this happening comes from Mad Men. In one particular episode you can feel the frustration bubbling between Don and Peggy which quickly boils over into a full-on shouting match. But, while they were both momentarily shaken, neither of them ran away in response to the other’s anger and aggression, and because of this they were able to continue working through the conflict and move forward in their relationship. Before the conflict they related to each other as boss and subordinate, but afterwards their relationship became more personal. Antagonism was replaced by understanding and even affection, which also led to them producing better work.

Our issues can be resolved, many of them to the point of improvement, if we can tolerate the temporary discomfort that comes with working through them.

*Video clips of the Mad Men episode are included below