Truth, Lies, & Consequences
Image via Dmitry Ratushny
There are many unintended consequences to not telling the truth. One of the most obvious being the damage that is done to relationships. Once a person has been found out, once it is known that they have a tendency to lie, it becomes difficult to regain trust in them. And it becomes difficult to do the work required to maintain a relationship with them, without the base level of security provided by openness and honesty. Telling the truth is a necessity, not only to love others, but to love yourself.
What does it mean to be in touch with the truth? It simply means seeing things as they really are. Without illusion and without the deception that often stems from preconceived notions. Despite its simple meaning, it is difficult to overcome our biases and preferences for how we think things should be. Oftentimes these biases are reflections of our hopes and wishes, and if we lose them, the only thing waiting for us, we think, is disappointment. Disappointment and pain.
The worst thing about lying is the fact that it renders love an impossibility.
But, uncomfortable as it may be, choosing to tell the truth is still the only way we can fully relate to another human being. Embracing the truth means actually having the freedom to make choices with more honesty and sincerity. It also makes love a legitimate possibility. Love for another and love for oneself. The worst thing about lying is the fact that it renders love an impossibility.
At some point I came to the realization that it is impossible to lie to someone else without first lying to yourself. To present an obvious falsehood as if it were a truth is to actually deal in two kinds of deception. The damage this does to other people is what’s most talked about, but the damage you do to yourself is just as consequential. After relationships end, for one reason or another, you are left only with yourself. You are forced to deal with you, and you have no hope of doing this with compassion or with success, if you are unable to deal in truth.
Anxiety is not a bad thing. It arises when we are on the verge of doing something new and challenging. Telling the truth can be both.
How does an individual know whether or not they are doing well in this regard? One way is to measure and compare your feelings and notice how often you feel anxious as opposed to guilty. Anxiety is not always a bad thing. It arises when we are on the verge of doing something new or challenging. Telling the truth can be both. An honest life is a challenging life because it involves standing up for what you believe in and not always going along with the crowd.
In a way this makes it easy to know when you fall out of line with telling the truth because feelings of anxiety will be replaced by something else. Oftentimes the replacement is guilt, either because of what you have done to someone else through dealing with them dishonestly, or because of what you have done to yourself by doing the same. Guilt, however you experience it, is often a signpost of inauthenticity, another word for lying. When you notice it, pause and examine the way you are dealing with people. You’ll probably recognize shortcomings that need to be corrected.
No one is born knowing how to lie, which means no one is born knowing how to tell the truth.
Even with rigorous self-examination, it is not easy to recognize when we are being dishonest. Sometimes feedback from others is needed in order to gain clarity. The problem is that the type of feedback we seek is usually biased towards whatever it is we really want to do. Seeking this type of feedback is unhelpful, but you can hack your tendency to do so by asking yourself who are the qualified people that you are least likely to talk to about an issue? Those are the people most likely to put you in touch with the truth, and the people whose advice you should be seeking out.
No one is born knowing how to lie, which means no one is born knowing how to tell the truth either. Both are skills one develops. You have to choose which of them you want to invest your time and energy into learning.